:::singing:::
Yeah, so it's REALLY hard not to have family around. Raising 4 young kids without the support of family is really, really tough. I can't call my mom to come watch the kids when someone is sick or when I need to get groceries. I don't get a break. There are no holidays at Grandma's house. It just plain sucks.
I'm the kind of person who has to do it all. I'm the classic over-achiever I guess. I don't like to admit weakness and I'm fiercely independent... or at least I was before I married my husband! I don't cry either. I'm a tough girl.
I am finally ready to admit that sometimes I don't want to do this alone. My husband is only gone for a week and I find myself wanting to hole up inside my house and never see the light of day again. I haven't told my friends because... well, I guess I don't want to ruin my image. It doesn't help when my husband encourages me by saying I'm a supermom and I CAN do it all alone. I'm becoming a martyr!
Today I had my 3 LLL co-leaders (yeah, I'm officially a LLLL now!) over throughout the day. In the morning one stopped by and our sons played outside together while I demonstrated how to use cloth diapers. (Another convert! Yay!) Then this afternoon another one stopped by and her sons also played with mine. She helped me straighten my messy house. I think she understands that I'm seriously OCD about my house being clean but I've just given up lately. Right before she left another friend came by to bring me dinner.
I feel so loved and cared for right now. It's been a really rough couple of months around here. I've been really feeling low and have had nowhere to turn. I've kept it all inside until I was ready to just break down completely. I would usually tell this to my midwife friend but she was pregnant and I couldn't burden her with my troubles. I finally confided in another friend (a postpartum doula) who really helped me feel better. It's either PPD (but must be late-onset since this just started and the twins are almost one) or maybe my cycles are getting ready to return.
Last week I saw my doctor and had a thyroid test done. I was hoping that the thyroid test would show something so that it meant I wasn't going nuts. I'm 120 lbs and almost 5'10" and my hair is still falling out from postpartum hormones. I ended up getting an appointment with a therapist because I don't want to be medicated. I'll go next week and see if it helps. Maybe it's all just stress? Maybe the hormones from exclusively breastfeeding almost 11-month old twins? Maybe Aunt Flo is rearing her ugly head soon? I don't know!
I'm ready to admit it... I'm not the supermom I may appear to be...
